the other day i mentioned about my frens who got attached. it evoked everyone's curiosity and asking me to reveal their identity. sorry,i cant.

firstly, i dont mean to show off as if i'm the 1st to know everything *if someone actually feels i m behaving in such manner*. and of course, when i knew it by accident, i dont intend to spread it. yeah, if i can choose i would choose not to know it, or at least be the last to know.

and if i did, it might cost me the friendship. i had enought of that. till now, i still unable to forget form1's nightmare. regardless of whether i m guilty or not, i m always to one to be blamed since my reputation already spoilt? worse, i hate to see everyone pointing fingers at me even i didnt do it.

now, i really doubt if it was my mistake to post about them. why i did that? my blog is where i write bout my feelings. and i just wanted to describe how shocked i was. d

nah, i didnt tell anyone. dont wanna get myself into trouble. if i dont tell u it doesnt mean i dont appreciate our friendship. i suppose friendship involves respect for each other isnt? and remember the shh-dont-tell-anyone-and-the-next-day-everyone knows-it thingy? it's horrible to find out that gossip actually travels faster than light.

so hope u guys understand.let say someone told u a secret, of course he/she doesnt want u to spread it isnt?the same goes for u hate to know someone u trusted break his/her promise rite?

***

the other day i changed my nickname to "i lost hope on everything". it sounds as if i exaggerated a little. yes i did. but i was really upset that time. by people i called them "my friends".

life is full of ups and downs. need not to remind me of that.

recently i began to notice some friends in the list were actually toxic friends. take one example. for heaven's sake, u didnt chat with me for ages and suddenly greeted me * i appreciate that* and acted as if we know each other well * that is still acceptable*. come on, it's so fake but that's ok. then she began to critize this critize that. oh, please, didnt ur mum remind u to be polite to someone u are not really close to? pissed off. seriously.

ok. now u know i get mad easily.

speaking of toxic friends. now onli i realise i have plenty of them. now i realise why i have mood swings everytime i chat with them. now i understand why i feel so uneasy right after the conversation ended. they just lower my morale. ntg but just critize. i thought they were giving constructive opinions but now i realise, they are just destructive.
how stupid i was all this while.

and i found out that most tend pick me as the last choice to chat with. honestly i hate that. when u have ppl to chat with, u would rather ignore my msg and didnt even bother to inform me u were busy. and when u have nobody to chat with, u would find me, come on, it was pretty obvious. from the speed of u replying msg, ur tone of speaking and so on, *i dont know how to explain but* i can sense it. no, i dont refer to just a particular person, few actually.

i just hate being the last choice.nobody likes that either i guess? there's this friend of mine whom i tried to keep in touch with for the whole last year. whenever i asked him out, he would give me excuses. sms is always unreplied. occasionally he would. lately, i bumped into him quite often and he is always in a hurry. even if we had a chance to chat, it was never an enjoyable one. another toxic friend i pressume.

now that he has started working, he looked for me to have lunch together. without fail, he would phone me and ask if i m free to teman him.coincidently, i wasnt free for the last 2 days. yesterday i avoided his phoned call and he called me 3 times till he got through me. see, when he needs me, he will do whatever it takes and when he doesnt,... he didnt even bother to reply my sms. oh, u want such friend?

actually, i felt bad for avoiding him. yet i cant tell him "hey dont be so selfish". moreover he came all the way from his workplace to mine. so i just accompanied him le. didnt u guys know eating alone when everyone else gelak ketawa with their friends is a sad case? as i expected, we werent in the wavelength anymore. ok cut that. at least he's still a friend. besides, i'm used to being used all this while.

***

sry for the rantings above. i wont hide- i'm not a happy-go-lucky person, u know that dont u?

now i am really tired. nitez everyone.