everyone, it's me again, exactly 3 weeks after my last post. at last, i made up my mind to stay in UM. u're right, i'm one of the lucky ones who secured a place in local university and at the same time, it was the reason i was so confused and stressed for the past one month. that's another story.

anyway, i'll be talking science *call it a lousy course if u wish, that's totally up to u*. i'll stay in the hostel on weekdays and return home on weekends. so i still can hang out as usual. heh.

i'm still alive~!!

hey, i'm back!! i havent update this blog for quite some time.

many things happened over these few months. one of them actually changed my life. guess that i'm truly blessed. on the other hand, i went through the toughest period of my life where things just went wrong. gosh, how i wish it never happened in the first place.

i have a lot to say and share here but too bad, i cant do it now. i'll be away at least for one week. till then, everyone take care ya.

regards,
joe

at last, i'm back. it has been almost a month since my last entry.

earlier i posted the lyrics of because of you by kelly clarkson. now only i realise the lyrics are so meaningful, something which i can relate to in my life.

speaking of music, "superwoman", gary chao ge's cover of karyn white's 1988 hit is a superb. i love the melody but the part that i like the most is his falsetto. his live performance was great.

besides i'm so impressed with jj's latest album cao cao. personally i like 只對你說 and 原來 . since the 1st album, he has improved so much, both in singing and looks as well, dont u agree?

i wasnt aware that there was this meet-fans-session in sg wang until pearly told me. she's a lucky girl- attend that and the promo tour at pgrm. the only regret she had is that wasnt being able to shake hands or take photos with him.

***
ooh about the ranting, as usual, life's like that, but i swear, something bloody serious did happen this time. whether it is serious or not, it really depends how u view it. so if u dont know, dont guess.

oh, the results for psd scholarships was out few days ago. as expected, there were many complaints and disappointments, from both parents and students. u see, the same thing happens every year. let's not debate on who's who is more deserving (none of my bussiness anyway) but i would like to share something that caught my attention.

i saw this in a forum, a rejected applicant posted his details ie his excellent achievements, guess what, his parents earn abt 12k a month! ok perhaps that's not much considering he wants to do medic overseas.

but that made me keep thinking, whether scholarships have gone astray from its original purpose, which is to help those who are brilliant but poor? i know scholarships should be awarded to those who high achievers and all rounders but shouldnt it be a financial aid to those who really need it? there are some with very good results got rejected which some, whose parents are dato and so on got it. cant they afford to give their children a decent education? perhaps what they want is just glamour?

no psd, go to form6. reminds me of what i go through though i know i'm not qualified for it. form6- reminds me of alot of things too. haha. wanted to pay a visit to teachers in school, i'm really thankful to some of the teachers who are really dedicated to their job.

another scenario, imagine that u got into the uni/college and taking the course which u like so much. isnt that a very good reason to celebrate? but when ur worst nightmare come true, someone whom u dislike so much turns out to be ur coursemate, how do u feel? that scares me, at least i still can keep my fingers crossed with wont happen, unlike my friend who isnt so lucky.

enough of crap. i should be sleeping by now.

trust issues come back to haunt me. i often ask myself- how much i trust my friends? and vice versa.

when i repeated the same mistake again, i felt guilty. though i promised to be a fair person, i must admit, at times i am quite biased.

i felt that i have been pushed to the limit where i have absolutely no choice at all-dead end. it sounds exagerrated, yeah it is. in short, i'm too stressed.

to that friend, sorry from the bottom of my heart. i wont claim i'm totally innocent or being irresponsible. however, i wish u can see things from my point of view too.

a friend in need is a friend indeed. the series of unfortunate incidents is more like a blessing in disguise. without them, i wouldnt have figure out who will be there for me, when i need friends the most.

sometimes, what one needs is just a good listener. dont u think so? yet many of us failed to realise that, or worse- dont bother to do so or cant resist that on9 game or juicy gossips are much more interesting?

they didnt help much other than being a listener and giving advices.i understand they cant do anything over the split milk. i appreciate their effort and time spent on me.

there are some who are insensitive. yet, they accused others of being too sensitive. what's lack here would be tolerance and understanding. we are blessed with brains that made us the most advanced species, and how funny to know that some cant even distinguish between right or wrong.

having a friend to talk all night long is such a pleasant experience. he had been such a wonderful friend, minus the arguements, missunderstandings, which i deem as normal. we shared so much all life that none of us realised time passed so fast.

everyone knows there's no turning back in life. how i wish i can just press the button "undo" and everything back to square one. i still have nightmares. some mistakes in the past still haunt me. i'm guilty.

perhaps in the future, i will be grateful. if not for these obstacles, i wouldnt grow up. when things just dont happen as i want it to be, i have learnt to move on. remember life goes on.

because of you

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

and lastly, because of you, i'm who i am today.

hey everyone, i'm back. * i'm still alive*

lately, i was too tired so i have no time for blogging or even online.

received a bad news few days ago. i accepted it though i'm rather upset at how things turn out and most importantly, i'm disappointed at myself. self-guilt

a friend had been very sarcastic lately. i cant stand that person anymore- how can someone be so fake all the time? that's annoying and i'm very irritated at the person's words and action.

right now, i'm in hot water for some trouble which i had yet solved.

u see, i've been experiencing all sorts of bad luck since march. sigh. it's like sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga.

why life gotta be like this? it's so unfair.

another get-together

i know this is pretty lame but we had another reunion the other day.



















it's so fun to put everyone into one room and started chit chatting. oh, i miss ICQ-ing.

the deleted entry

guys i'm back. no, it wasnt any post-stpm-result depression as some of u might think. i was just busy.

actually i posted one lengthy entry abt something (someone) that pissed me off so much. however, for some reasons, i decided to remove it.

whatever happened, happened. i cant pretend as if nothing took place. try to take it as a blessing in disguise.

listen, it's over now.

time flies by again, it's april now. up to my expectation, march was full of hassles.

it never came across my mind we actually had more gatherings to discuss abt the courses than study groups before the exam. guess i could never forget the troubles i had throughout that period. i was so stressed.

but, at the end of the day, the most valuable thing i've learnt is to make decisions and yes, i'm aware this one would change my life.

thx to everyone for their opinions and comments. not forgetting to express my gratitude to li lin and sharon for giving me so much crucial information.

well, i'm glad to say everything is over now. once and for all. no more headaches abt application stuff. the only thing i need to do now-keep my fingers crossed that things will work out as planned.

...
i dont know where i'll be posted. i dont know what course i will get. insecurity kills me. i feel life is so hopeless.

that day *edited version*

better late than never. trust me, i still remember every single moments of that fateful day clearly.

reminiscing...
***

woke up early to prepare myself, online awhile and chatted with jackie, who was just as nervous as me. received lots of sms-s, from pearly and yoke, making me even more shacky.

arrived in school around 10.45 a.m. upon arrival, saw yue who had taken her slip. met kha wai and friends, they looked happy. nobody was crying, i guess overall's performances was good.

i lingered around but i knew i cant escape it. i entered the hall but pn. sakinah was nowhere to be seen. i approached pn. hanifah instead.

"cekgu, result i macam mane? nanti i heart attack kang..."
"cekgu pun tak tau...tengok le sendiri..." she was looking for my script.
"ni pun...bukak la... i tak tau result kamu..." she continued, sambil senyum2 kambing. me -_-"
then she told the reporters
"ni pun salah satu skolah kite punye murid cemerlang..."
...
reporters turned their attention at me. i was puzzled. i was like "wtf...."

my heart was beating so damn fast. i had this scary feeling throughout the process. suddenly, yoke, shin, kailiang, chian appeared out of nowhere and i was surrounded by them. i didnt even to have time to look at them * dah lama tak jumpa ma...* my hands were shaking.

"dont be nervous!!faster open...faster!!!..." yoke exclaimed.
i tell u, she was more nervous than me.
"aiyo..dont scare me. your hands are shaking le..." shin was trying to calm me down too.

>>fast forward>>

at last, it was done. i saw my results. i was kinda numb that time. so i didnt feel anything.
didnt have time to think anything. it was their turn...
ok. their result were ok too. after few session of comparing, yoke wanted to count her cgpa. i was so gelabah and my hands were still shaking.
"use hp la..." i mentioned. aiks, we were so kelam-kabut that time.
then the teacher borrowed her calculator to us.
i pressed the button
w.ww + x.xx + y.yy + z.zz =
but i accidentally pressed the clear button and the screen became empty again..
-_- "
"calm down" i told myself.

>>fast forward>>

pn hanifah passed a white paper to me, which the title was "biodata murid cemerlang"...
-_-" wtf!?!?!?!?
i was speechless. * my result is like damn bad, yet u still gave me this?"
the reporter came over and interviewed me, i was really at loss of words.
"how's ur feeling?"
"ok ler..."
"answer longer pls... describe ur feelings..."
"i m satisfied with it" * i was practically lying. get me, berbohong terang-terang...*
"so what's ur secret of ur success?"
"..."
*speechless man. wth?!?!?!. what had i achieve that u call it a success? menyindir ...*

>>>fast forward>>>

initially i choose to leave out this part but this entry wouldnt be a complete one without it. aiks...it was so embarassing, i mean, what on earth that they want to interview me? luckily i wasnt on air, if not, everyone can see how stupid i was that time. worse, ppl might think i pergi berebut-rebut masuk tv. haha.

then, chit chat with each other for some time while waiting for others to arrived. to be precise, we were waiting for the top-student (muh tyng) to come while kha wai made a call to randall and congratulated him in advance.

oh finally she arrived in mei chern's car, nt sure if anyone leaked out the results to her. and i saw this. * this's gonna be interesting*

someone practically dashing towards the hall, from the office if i wasnt mistaken. wearing a tudung. abit plump.
ermmm...
guessing?
try harder...
...
yeah la, her la, who else?

she sticked herself to muh tyng, hah, this is really an attempt to masuk tv lor! haha.

this is what i pressume,to be the lines that might have took place,
"i ni guru dia. i ajar matapelajaran XXXXXXX" muahahaha."

and this is a true story.
after the session of sandiwara, she asked "eh eh, mak siape ni? mak siape ni? "pointing another lady standing nearby, pressuming she was muh tyng's mother.
well her actual identity was stacy's mother and of course, stacy was -_-".

u see, memang warga sab suka bersandiwara.

anyway,
CONGRATULATIONS to MUH TYNG!!! she actually promised to give me a treat if she did get 4.00 *evil grin*

very well deserving. kinda expected. u see, she's always the top of the top in form6. haha. she worked hard for it and this is a very good example of hardwork pays.

>>fast forward>>

then, i walked to the office to have my photocopied documents certified. i asked the clerk if she can photocopy my results certificate and testimonials, that were given just now.
she refused to help me even i promised her that i'll pay. sigh. no choice but to have it done at petronas, walked back to school and lined up(pn.habibah was quite busy that time)

meanwhile, pearly arrived and was chatting with stacy and wen cheong. wanted to join but forced to return to the office and settle my things. by the time it was done, everyone left, the hall was closed, han xian arrived and we took a cab to town.

had our lunch quickly in low yat food court. after that, headed to redbox for sing-k session. earlier i phoned up may hwa and coincidently she and her friends just came out before we went in. greeted each other and asked abt her results. both she and sze jun did very well too. congrats.

then i was approached by a young pretty girl (haha), she was promoting some hair products. guess what? i was asked to be her model and i'll get a free loreal party proof gel in return. she insisted so terpaksa la. when it's done, she took a photo of mine for some-dunno-what- contest which i will surely lose. aiks... buat malu again ler... -_-"

not only me, but the others as well. all four of us.

sing k sing k sing k...fulled with crappy and crazy moments of course.

>> fast forward>>

we were supposed to stop at 6.00 p.m. but without realising it, we sang till 7 something. ooh, we were actually allowed to sing until 9.00 p.m. but since i promised to meet calvin around 8, we left early lor.

oh, that was the second time we left without kena halau. the 1st time also with wen cheong and in low yat as well.

meet calvin for dinner. before that, he did very well too, so congrats buddy!
we discussed alot of things. i must admit, we really talked about alot of serious stuff this time. that was really a meeting where we spilt out almost everything. yes, it was regarding our future.

left around 11.00 p.m. by the time i reached home, i was damn tired. get me? i was really exchausted.

and i was sick the next day. sigh.

p/s: here it is pearly, though abit late

the most important day in my life has passed. yes, it's over now. it was a meaningful and unforgettable day in my life.

i promise that i will write abt it. everything- what i did, what others did, my feeling, others' feeling and so on. not now, cause there's other more important things to do.

fyi, my result is bad. perhaps some might think i'm just exaggerating but, i know where i stand and i have my reasons why i m unhappy abt it.

i'm will be pretty busy these days. just like the days before-sleepless night. i'm very tired. why there's so much to do before and after it? i really need some rest.

there's so many things that need to be done, yet there isnt much time left.

save me...

at the 11th hour

i cant believe myself. it's so near. less than 12 hours before i will receive my results's script.

phone calls, friends's blog's posts, sms-s, replies in forums are making me damn nervous. seriously.this would be the peak.

something which i copied from friendster:
besides goin to school and take your results, u can also check online and through SMS. how?here is the way..

SMS
key in STPM space, followed by your I/C No. and send to 39003.

ONLINE
log on to www.mpm.edu.my


p/s: all services are only available starting from tmr 11am onwards.

ok, now who wanna try to check through sms?

haha. ok la, guys best wishes from me. we've tried our best. remember:-we survived form6!

stories from workplace

something from workplace worth mentioning. i feel that i really work today.

in the morning, i have to do the chores(cleaning) all by myself. colleague went to collect his result.

a negro man came in and gotta serve him. luckily jasnice arrived just in time, if nt how am i gonna layan his kerenah-mintak discount? anyway, he spent 1800 bucks.

then, 3 men came in and tried lots of clothes. they bought quite alot as well, arnd 900 bucks. so total is : 2700++
untung la boss

was extremely stressful today. need to alter few pants, especially in front of him. damn tension that time. practically the shop was turned upside down.besides, unexpectedly alot customers came in and tried everything. unlike the past few days where almost nobody stepped into the shop. it would be better if they come one by one. haha.

earlier, saw kam seng and gang, was informed abt the school's results. later in the afternoon, bumped into lawrence,andrew and the straight A1 gang, so i straight away congratulated them.wonder if that will pass some of his luck to me? haha

anyone heard of syn? i'm nt sure so i wont elaborate here. well, me wanted to buy some cakes from the cafe in hotel so i asked yow lee to tag along. few lifts were full so we cant get in. by that time,we realized there was a lot ppl in formal attire with the syn badge. mark my words, A LOT. everywhere in times square. at every corner u can see one. suddenly i remember that they are having some sort of part/dinner up there. anyway we got into one lift and as it moved up, it stopped at each floor and yeah, all also syn ppl. haha. i insisted that we must get to 14th floor(where the hotel is) to jakun awhile, but to my dismay, once the door of the lift opened, there were ppl trying to sell tickets. dahsyat.

and out of the blue moon, someone asked me to do him a favour by giving him 5 missed calls. try to figure out the reason behind it.

pre 16th march syndrome

it's my turn this coming thursday. i bet there wont be miracles, i have absolutely no idea on how it's gonna be. even for the overall performances, teachers cant predict anything.

here will be surprises. we will be shocked. some will be overjoyed while others will be disappointed. it's always like that for stpm. too bad, past years showed that the latter will dominate the environment.

• wen cheong came over, to remind me of the comin 16th. guess what, his main concern is that when should we go to take it.
• yow lee too, was experiencing the same time. we still indecisive over the 8 choices
• muh tyng and i agreed upon that we should seek advices from teachers and seniors regarding the upu stuff.
• pearly feels the heat too. who doesnt when ur colleague on and on reminds u on that?
• ai chen was right. we can hide but cant run away from it. we gotta face the cikgu-s in school.

it really bothers me, i cant stop thinking abt it -how's my future will be. i shouldnt make a fuss out of it but come on, it will be the last time. last time of taking result scripts of an open-examination.

annoyed by these stpm stuff? dont worry, it will be over in few days time. i promise.

2 more days to go...

SPM sangat cemerlang

oh i have a good news. sab did it again, as usual, as expeced.

for those who didnt know, there are 14 straight A1-s students. the number doubled from past years. highes record ever.

mulut cikgu-cikgu mesti tersenyum lebar.

whether it's the students becoming smarter, cut-off marks becoming lower, it's another problem, i dont care. all i can say is hardwork pays off for them.
congratts ya~

unlucky me

for the past few days, things just went wrong.

i'm having bad hair days. firstly, i will point my fingers at him(the hairstylist) then only blame myself for allowing myself to be his victim. ooh, i didnt ask for him actually but since 1st choice and 2nd choice werent around, i have no choice at all.

he took his own sweet time experimenting with my hair, a total of 1 and a half hour, inclusive of the 30 minutes waiting for my turn. he tried very hard to be friendly, or maybe he is really that formiable, but still, i deem he talked way too much. at times, i was at lost of words and only replied "oh icic, yakah?, hmm yalor.."

the main point- i'm nt satisfied with his job. sigh.

i forgotten the pin number for my atm card. *bang my head against the wall* i'm nt sure which combination of numbers and after 3 times, the card was blocked. so i need to go to the bank to settle it, and will be fined somemore. sigh

the fluorescent light in my room was out. i was in dark the whole nite yesterday. now that my father had replaced it, the new one seems like too bright and i feel hot. sigh.

and series of friendship issues drive me crazy. seriously.

at one instance, i feel i should change myself. why on earth i always burden myself with all these nonsense?

ppl say i think too much, too complicated, yet i cant help it, it's me. and perhaps by eliminating those ppl, i wil have less things to think about. from another point of view, i'm just running away from truth and hiding from the reality.

a reunion

yesterday, we had a reunion of former sabians through msn. it was all of a sudden actually.


so here's the list:- me, xin yee, kha wai, liang wen, felix, gianne, mohan

internet is such a powerful communication tool, connecting ppl from all parts of world. felix in uk, mohan in moscow, the rest scattered all over malaysia. haha.

for some who still think msn is only for borak- borak kosong, think again. ok, i admit we talked craps most of the time haha, we need to relieve stress also kan?
it was so fun to catch with one another and gossip of course.

and, we planned to organize a gathering in july, so let us wait and see if it will be successful.

report: pasar malam

pasar malam hit: 约定 by guang liang

it was still very crowded by 10.20 pm. luckily, i managed to grab some food and drink for supper. * in line with my gain-weight policy* haha.

bought a rojak-cd but some songs are spoilt. cis, geram betul la. so lain kali, belilah yg ori, jgn beli cetak rompak.

well just another NATO remark.( no, not that in perang dingin in sejarah form 4 la) it simply means no action, talk only...

current obsession: 只對你說 by jj lin jun jie (check out his album-cao cao)

p/s: pearly, i'm promoting ur idol...mine as well. haha.

###

"hey can u send the add again? i terdelete liao just now. asap ya..."

...

"hey i need the address now la...faster?"

...

"beng fye ah... address..."

imagine u need something urgently and u're still not getting getting the reply from that person?frustrating?

in that case, i'm truly sry to wen cheong. haha. who ask him sms me that time? at pasar malam ma, sangat bising and riuh-rendah. so didnt realise that 3 sms until another friend phoned.*sigh*

pre-16th march headache...

yes, i'm still alive! i was too tired and malas to blog actually.

the online application for uni-dateline is actually 10 working days from the day the results released but by that time, everyone will rushing to summit their application and if when the server down that time, then i kantoi?

now i terhegeh-hegeh settle it lor.

orang tua-tua ( not orang-orang tua) selalu cakap,

biar lambat asalkan selamat

i gotta disagree. lambat tak semestinya selamat. yang pasti -lambat tu memang lembab. * in this case*

gruelling task: pick 8 courses

"easy la..."

think again, if take into consideration of these, it wont be easy anymore.

interest, qualification, the university itself, job prospect - just to name a few. and i havent mention abt the selection process and karenah birokrasi...

at the end of the day, it's still the STPM results that matters, at least that's what we agreed upon-me, kha wai, nguk lin, yow lee.

had a phone conversation with muhtyng. we discussed the same thing and both of us are really confused and nervous right now.

it was followed by a bad news from xin yee,

keputusan SPM-cemerlang, STPM- MEMUASKAN *sahaja*

perhaps it's me being too pessimistic. well, if overall performances of the students are just mediocre, i guess chances of scoring good grades will be lowered.

havent go back to stare at the list again after this. sigh.

anyone can lend me a helping hand- i want advices and opinions, i'm really desperate for it...

quote of the day:

"what will be,will be"

xin yee (1987-now)

guess what, today is 9th, which means

STPM RESULTS ~NEXT WEEK!

oh, i'm really nervous. it really bothers me, especially i have no idea at all, how it will turn out. trust me, i have no absolute confident on a single subject.worse, PA can be the dark horse.

i imagined if i really did badly, i only have myself to blame, i destroyed my future with my own hands.

i feel insecure.

countdown: 7 days